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polyarmory2009-10-25 12:26 am
shortitude.livejournal.com) wrote in polyarmory2009-10-25 12:26 am
FIC: Take It From History [Naruto, crackfic] 1/1
Title: Take It From History
Author: Cella [![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
shortitude]
Fandom:Naruto
Ship: none
Rating: Teen+
Summary: It was a decidedly political manoeuvre that started the First Women‘s Revolt in Konoha. A very stupid one. The historians of Konoha speak. How Konoha dealt with it’s first porn-site.
Spoilers: Everything
A/N: So this was a plot bunny that came to me one night at 4am. I should warn that it’s completely meant to entertain and amuse. Therefore: CRACK!FIC alert! Also, trying a new writing style, too. A bit unbetad.
Take It From History
(A historical document: on the First Women‘s Revolt, and pornography)
It was a decidedly political manoeuvre that started the First Women’s Revolt in Konoha, at the hand of a young spirited Haruno Sakura.
It was a political manoeuvre indeed, even if, no matter how one might look at it, it seemed like a decision taken by the drunk and disorderly (and decidedly horny). Be it as it may, historians of Konoha are obliged by their occupation and their oaths to truth and justice to re-tell this tale.
…even if they find it completely ridiculous.
At the end of the Great War against Uchiha Madara, a relative peace was restored to the country of Fire, which was only emphasized by the Rokudaime Hokage ceremony which named Hatake Kakashi as the new leader of Konohagakure, once the previous coup d’ètat at the hands of Danzou was dealt with swiftly by those loyal to Tsunade’s (or perhaps more accurate, those that did not agree with Danzou’s way of thinking). This, together with the world-wide shinobi alliance, granted the village a time of calmness and prosperity.
There have been many documents gathered and conserved from that age, either passed on from generation to generation, or buried under the dusty shelves of the official archive. Though it was a time of political stability, there is proof of turmoil occurring during the third year of the Rokudaime’s reign.
This recompilation of files, testimonies, and photographic proof aims to be illustrative of said turmoil, and hopes to prepare any future Hokage against this sort of political uproars.
---
[from the personal log of Rokudaime Hokage, Hatake Kakashi]
March 23rd, 3rd year
It’s been a nice few years so far. The Hokage life isn’t so bad, once you get used to it -- I’ve even gotten used to Sakura shoving paperwork down my throat every morning or other. Ah, that girl, reminds me so much of Tsunade-sama. Where is the respect, though, I ask myself? Five years ago, she would’ve asked ‘how high’ if I had told her to jump off a bridge. Nowadays she just brushes suggestions off with a swipe or her hand, or a punch if I’m unlucky. I wish Shizune hadn’t appointed her as my new assistant last year, but how was I to know that the papers I was signing were Sakura’s contract? (This is proof that Shizune should always wear high-collared blouses, at least when around her respected Hokage.)
Back to the point.
Not that I see the point in this journal--but then again, Sakura insisted on this too. Something about how it would be useful for the future, in case historians wanted to scout through my journals and find out the ‘man under the funny pointed hat’. Well, if there’s any historian writing this in fifteen years, or however long, let me give you a word of advice. You know that saying? That behind every great man is a great woman? Well, it’s true--only in Konoha, said great women have said great men by their balls.
I’m just going to write whatever I feel like in this journal, to spite that little girl. Or I could, if I didn’t suspect her capable of proof-reading all this while I’m asleep.
The alliance holds strong. There is peace, and yet there is a lingering feeling that something is very wrong. I suppose we will see.
HK.
---
[from the documented patients files in Konoha Hospital.
April 13th, 3rd year of the Rokudaime
Medic in charge: Shizune]
Patient’s name: Inuzuka Kiba
Injuries: Light bruising to the sternum, three broken fingers, one broken nose.
Observations: Patient’s confession is that the injuries have indeed not been sustained in a mission--as patient has been off the mision rooster for a week so far--but of a fight against one of his closest friends. He refuses to reveal the reason of the battle.
Patient’s name: Shiranui Genma
Injuries: one perforated nasal cavity
Observations: Patient keeps whining about how he can’t believe ‘that bitch’ shoved his senbon needle up his ‘fucking nose’. Injuries sustained in the same fight as Inuzuka Kiba’s.
Personal observations: Patient is a moron.
Patient’s name: Uzumaki Naruto
Injuries: none
Observation: Patient claims he is ‘just here to rub it in the losers’ faces’ that ‘the book’s mine now, suckers’.
Personal observations: It is quite possible that he suffers a mild concussion. I’ve decided to admit him under the care of his regular medic-nin.
Addendum: No, he’s always been this stupid. Signed: Haruno Sakura.
---
[from the correspondence of Hatake Kakashi, Rokudaime]
April 15th, 3rd year
Sensei,
I hope you’re happy. Your porn has been the cause of three fights so far!
Sakura
---
[from the personal log of Rokudaime Hokage, Hatake Kakashi]
May 1st, 3rd year
I knew there was something. Apparently, too much peace can’t be healthy for the normal shinobi male--and occasional female--and all the adrenaline, and pheromones, need an outlet.
It’s time like these that I miss Jiraiya-san’s genius writing skills.
Alas, however, I shall have to fix this.
HK.
---
[recorded interview with Ki Jiro, also known as ‘The Cable Guy’]
[historian‘s notes: Although this ‘interview‘ is of dubious nature and recorded at a date prior to the beginning of the Revolt, we have reached the conclusion that it better fits the timeline at this point. We have yet to identify the identities of agents Pig and Forehead.]
The video flickers, proof of a second-hand recording device, undoubtedly not professional. The location is inconspicuous, either a dark dungeon or a broom closet of sorts. Ki Jiro, Konoha’s top technician, is tied to a chair in front of an empty table, one lamp aimed at his face. Only one thing can be viewed of his interviewer, a silhouette that determines they are a woman. Ki-san seems rather terrified.
“Now, then,” the woman starts, tapping one fingernail against the table in a staccato rhythm. “Now, then, Ki-san. Tell us what happened.”
“I’ve already told you, man--” he begins, the corrects himself as the anonymous questioner clears her throat, “ma’am. I’ve already told you. I only installed the network, as the Hokage asked me to.”
“Is that so?” the woman asks, her tone dangerously sweet. “And I suppose you didn’t have anything to do with the creation of this…website…did you? Jiro-kun?”
The man trembles a bit in his chair, close to crying as it is. “I swear, I swear by my family, I swear it on my mother’s grave--I just put the network up. Please…please let me go. I’ve already been here for five hours!”
“Who was it, bastard?” a new voice shouts. A flash of yellow can be seen in front of the camera, barely a second. “You have to know! Who did this?”
“Pig,” the first woman hisses. “Pig, sit down, we’re not playing good ninja, bad ninja on the poor guy. I think he’s telling the truth.”
“Then what, Forehead?” the second woman asks.
“Then, we’ll go to the source of this.”
The feed cuts off with a terrified looking Ki Jiro.
---
[from the Konoha noticeboards: June 2nd, 3rd year of the Rokudaime]
Citizens and shinobi of Konoha are cordially invited to purchase, on sale, a ‘personal computer’, which--thanks to the dedication and hard work of Ki Technitians--they will be able to use to gain access to the new, modern age technology and facilities: the Network!
Opening June 15th.
---
[from the personal log of Rokudaime Hokage, Hatake Kakashi]
June 14th, 3rd year
Tomorrow’s the big day. If this doesn’t calm the horny masses, I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, there’s not many masterpieces left of Jiraiya-san to appease them. This is the next best thing. (The guys in Kiri said it worked just fine for them.)
I just hoped I hired the right web maintainers.
---
[from the correspondence of Hatake Kakashi. June 16th, 3rd year]
[post-it #1] WHAT IS THIS SHIT, SENSEI?
[post-it #3] I DEMAND YOU TAKE IT OFF INMEDIATELY--HAVE YOU GONE MAD? YEARS FROM NOW, THEY’LL REMEMBER YOU AS
[post-it #4] HATAKE KAKASHI, THE PERVERTED HOKAGE. YOU WON’T EVEN GET YOUR FACE ON THAT MONUMENT! YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE IT!
[post-it #63] And to think I respected you!
[memo # 43]
Kakashi,
Wonderful, my friend.
Shikaku
---
[from the Konoha’s Women’s Association Meeting recordings. Meeting #14, July 10th, 3rd year of the Rokudaime. Speech by: Haruno Sakura. Transcription by Kinryu Moegi]
This is an outrage! Tsunade-shishou did not rule this village the time she did, did not struggle to bring peace just to have it all blown to smithereens by some lousy, insulting porn-site! Have you seen the titles on these things? Kunoichi are not called ‘women’, no! We’re ‘sluts’, or ‘whores’, or --
No, Hinata-san, I don’t mean we we, I mean the supposed actresses in these movies. Yes, I know they’re not professional kunoichi--frankly I don’t give a damn! It’s not the content of this site that bothers me most, it’s the goddamn titles!
Now, I’ve tried to contact the Hokage about it, but he just tells me that the porn makes the shinobi more relaxed. But let me tell you, I’ve already heard talk on a mission. These men are now using expressions such as ‘tap that’ and ‘bend her like a bitch’, and that’s simply unacceptable --
Well, yes, Mitarashi-san, I know that you may not mind that sort of language, but that’s a personal matter! What we prefer or not in the bedroom is our own business. Meanwhile, these insulting titles, this male-oriented pornography is giving our male population the wrong idea! It starts with this, and it ends with female subjugation. Don’t tell me no-one’s wondered why the samurais have no women in their ranks!
Ladies, we must make a stand for this!
---
[from the observations of Higurashi Aiko, pharmacist at Konoha’s 1st Apothecary.]
Lately, business has been going down. I mean, with the whole peace and all, it’s obvious that we won’t have to deal with as many patients coming in for analgesics as before the Great War, but even so. It all started with that network thingy, I guess. No-one’s getting into fights any longer. That’s a good thing.
Now if only Haruno-san stopped buying a pack of aspirins each week. She worries me, she does.
---
[August 10th. Recovered from a box full of notes, supposedly property of Nara Shikamaru.]
Oh man, did you see Sakura-chan the other day? She was leading a whole horde of women to Kakashi’s office. Some of them had banners and all! Do you think we’re overdoing it with the website?
Maybe we shouldn’t let Kiba write the titles anymore.
By the way, do you want to go for ramen later?
---
[as told by Ayame, the ramen stand girl. August 10th.]
Well, we never thought it was going to turn that big. I mean, Sakura-chan was such a good orator, and she did make some excellent points too! Like, just the other day, my father had to throw two shinobi out of our stand because they were discussing this porn in public. Though I suppose it was more because they were ogling me. But either way, we never thought it’d go as far as this!
So, Sakura-chan gathered up all the women from the Association, and we marched straight up to the Hokage’s office -- very nicely decorated, by the way, definitely looked like a woman’s touch was there. Well, there were other people with the Hokage that day, namely that boy with the dog, what was his name--Inuzuka Kiba, right? I remember it now, because Sakura-chan and Ino-chan had been shouting his name a lot after they saw him.
Anyway, so we all burst in there, and Sakura demands that the website be taken off. Hokage-san says no, because then the men would get horny again and they didn’t have enough missions to send all those horny men on, and horny men were dangerous--and the more he said horny, the redder did Sakura-chan get. Then Kiba interrupted, and told her not to fool anyone, because everyone knew she had a stash of gay porn magazines under her bed, even if she was a prude. And then--then!--Sakura-chan pulled out her kunai, and there was fighting, and I really don’t like fighting, so I just slipped out of there.
---
[as told by the guards of Konoha Prison, sector # 22A, corridor 5. August 10th.]
We were having a nice day, you know? I mean, not much to do in the prison nowadays as a guard, since everyone’s sedated on this whole friggin’ peace that’s going around. But anyway, it was a nice day, until the ANBU corps delivered them. And by them I mean fifteen people, men and women. Hokage’s orders were to put them in a single cell and let them fight all they wanted, apparently, so that’s what we did.
Either way, we overheard some pretty nasty shit, let me tell you. The mouth on that pink haired girl, I hope she doesn’t kiss her mother with that mouth, because if I were her mother, I’d slap her silly mouth every day. Anyway, so my mate and I realized that some stuff was happening on the surface, as we like to call whatever isn’t the prison, so after the mass calmed the fuck down, we went to ask them what had happened.
The blonde chick, Yamanaka, I think, said something about how it’s all men’s fault, and being hot did so not excuse us--but I’m guessing she wasn’t talkin’ about me, since she was ogling the Inuzuka guys when she said that. Then the Hokage’s own assistant--go figure!--started to yammer about how porn was not the solution, and how the situation was not desperate enough for the leader of our own village to encourage rude and offensive terms to be used in reference to women. I didn’t get half of the other shit she said, so I asked the Inuzuka guy.
Apparently, the guys on the surface can’t score chicks, and they get so horny they fight with each other. I tell you, this’d never happen down here--you’ve no idea how girls swoon over a prison guard, heheh. Anyway, the Hokage apparently decided that the only way to offer everyone porn. I guess we haven’t been missing much at all.
---
[from the personal log of Hatake Kakashi, Rokudaime Hokage]
August 14th, 3rd year
Four days in jail seem to have calmed Sakura a bit. She’s not giving me as much paperwork as before. I knew I’d find a way to fix that. Who knew erotica would prove to be the perfect scape-goat?
I have to pat myself on the back for all this. Definitely the best strategy ever. Also, my theories are confirmed. It’s in a shinobi’s nature to be a horny idiot. With porn, or without it.
HK.
---
The conclusion of this revolt is unclear to all of us. Rumours have it that the alleged ‘porn-site’ went through a series of new moderators, from men to women, until the Hokage decided to have it closed down because it was distracting shinobi from their real work and missions. This triggered a new revolution, pro ‘freedom of speech’, but we shall not detail it in this document.
---
[section of a journal recovered after the Great Fire of the 4th Year of the 7th Hokage.]
--honestly, I just think everyone missed Jiraiya-san’s porn.
END
Author: Cella [
shortitude] Fandom:Naruto
Ship: none
Rating: Teen+
Summary: It was a decidedly political manoeuvre that started the First Women‘s Revolt in Konoha. A very stupid one. The historians of Konoha speak. How Konoha dealt with it’s first porn-site.
Spoilers: Everything
A/N: So this was a plot bunny that came to me one night at 4am. I should warn that it’s completely meant to entertain and amuse. Therefore: CRACK!FIC alert! Also, trying a new writing style, too. A bit unbetad.
(A historical document: on the First Women‘s Revolt, and pornography)
It was a decidedly political manoeuvre that started the First Women’s Revolt in Konoha, at the hand of a young spirited Haruno Sakura.
It was a political manoeuvre indeed, even if, no matter how one might look at it, it seemed like a decision taken by the drunk and disorderly (and decidedly horny). Be it as it may, historians of Konoha are obliged by their occupation and their oaths to truth and justice to re-tell this tale.
…even if they find it completely ridiculous.
At the end of the Great War against Uchiha Madara, a relative peace was restored to the country of Fire, which was only emphasized by the Rokudaime Hokage ceremony which named Hatake Kakashi as the new leader of Konohagakure, once the previous coup d’ètat at the hands of Danzou was dealt with swiftly by those loyal to Tsunade’s (or perhaps more accurate, those that did not agree with Danzou’s way of thinking). This, together with the world-wide shinobi alliance, granted the village a time of calmness and prosperity.
There have been many documents gathered and conserved from that age, either passed on from generation to generation, or buried under the dusty shelves of the official archive. Though it was a time of political stability, there is proof of turmoil occurring during the third year of the Rokudaime’s reign.
This recompilation of files, testimonies, and photographic proof aims to be illustrative of said turmoil, and hopes to prepare any future Hokage against this sort of political uproars.
---
[from the personal log of Rokudaime Hokage, Hatake Kakashi]
March 23rd, 3rd year
It’s been a nice few years so far. The Hokage life isn’t so bad, once you get used to it -- I’ve even gotten used to Sakura shoving paperwork down my throat every morning or other. Ah, that girl, reminds me so much of Tsunade-sama. Where is the respect, though, I ask myself? Five years ago, she would’ve asked ‘how high’ if I had told her to jump off a bridge. Nowadays she just brushes suggestions off with a swipe or her hand, or a punch if I’m unlucky. I wish Shizune hadn’t appointed her as my new assistant last year, but how was I to know that the papers I was signing were Sakura’s contract? (This is proof that Shizune should always wear high-collared blouses, at least when around her respected Hokage.)
Back to the point.
Not that I see the point in this journal--but then again, Sakura insisted on this too. Something about how it would be useful for the future, in case historians wanted to scout through my journals and find out the ‘man under the funny pointed hat’. Well, if there’s any historian writing this in fifteen years, or however long, let me give you a word of advice. You know that saying? That behind every great man is a great woman? Well, it’s true--only in Konoha, said great women have said great men by their balls.
I’m just going to write whatever I feel like in this journal, to spite that little girl. Or I could, if I didn’t suspect her capable of proof-reading all this while I’m asleep.
The alliance holds strong. There is peace, and yet there is a lingering feeling that something is very wrong. I suppose we will see.
HK.
---
[from the documented patients files in Konoha Hospital.
April 13th, 3rd year of the Rokudaime
Medic in charge: Shizune]
Patient’s name: Inuzuka Kiba
Injuries: Light bruising to the sternum, three broken fingers, one broken nose.
Observations: Patient’s confession is that the injuries have indeed not been sustained in a mission--as patient has been off the mision rooster for a week so far--but of a fight against one of his closest friends. He refuses to reveal the reason of the battle.
Patient’s name: Shiranui Genma
Injuries: one perforated nasal cavity
Observations: Patient keeps whining about how he can’t believe ‘that bitch’ shoved his senbon needle up his ‘fucking nose’. Injuries sustained in the same fight as Inuzuka Kiba’s.
Personal observations: Patient is a moron.
Patient’s name: Uzumaki Naruto
Injuries: none
Observation: Patient claims he is ‘just here to rub it in the losers’ faces’ that ‘the book’s mine now, suckers’.
Personal observations: It is quite possible that he suffers a mild concussion. I’ve decided to admit him under the care of his regular medic-nin.
Addendum: No, he’s always been this stupid. Signed: Haruno Sakura.
---
[from the correspondence of Hatake Kakashi, Rokudaime]
April 15th, 3rd year
Sensei,
I hope you’re happy. Your porn has been the cause of three fights so far!
Sakura
---
[from the personal log of Rokudaime Hokage, Hatake Kakashi]
May 1st, 3rd year
I knew there was something. Apparently, too much peace can’t be healthy for the normal shinobi male--and occasional female--and all the adrenaline, and pheromones, need an outlet.
It’s time like these that I miss Jiraiya-san’s genius writing skills.
Alas, however, I shall have to fix this.
HK.
---
[recorded interview with Ki Jiro, also known as ‘The Cable Guy’]
[historian‘s notes: Although this ‘interview‘ is of dubious nature and recorded at a date prior to the beginning of the Revolt, we have reached the conclusion that it better fits the timeline at this point. We have yet to identify the identities of agents Pig and Forehead.]
The video flickers, proof of a second-hand recording device, undoubtedly not professional. The location is inconspicuous, either a dark dungeon or a broom closet of sorts. Ki Jiro, Konoha’s top technician, is tied to a chair in front of an empty table, one lamp aimed at his face. Only one thing can be viewed of his interviewer, a silhouette that determines they are a woman. Ki-san seems rather terrified.
“Now, then,” the woman starts, tapping one fingernail against the table in a staccato rhythm. “Now, then, Ki-san. Tell us what happened.”
“I’ve already told you, man--” he begins, the corrects himself as the anonymous questioner clears her throat, “ma’am. I’ve already told you. I only installed the network, as the Hokage asked me to.”
“Is that so?” the woman asks, her tone dangerously sweet. “And I suppose you didn’t have anything to do with the creation of this…website…did you? Jiro-kun?”
The man trembles a bit in his chair, close to crying as it is. “I swear, I swear by my family, I swear it on my mother’s grave--I just put the network up. Please…please let me go. I’ve already been here for five hours!”
“Who was it, bastard?” a new voice shouts. A flash of yellow can be seen in front of the camera, barely a second. “You have to know! Who did this?”
“Pig,” the first woman hisses. “Pig, sit down, we’re not playing good ninja, bad ninja on the poor guy. I think he’s telling the truth.”
“Then what, Forehead?” the second woman asks.
“Then, we’ll go to the source of this.”
The feed cuts off with a terrified looking Ki Jiro.
---
[from the Konoha noticeboards: June 2nd, 3rd year of the Rokudaime]
Opening June 15th.
---
[from the personal log of Rokudaime Hokage, Hatake Kakashi]
June 14th, 3rd year
Tomorrow’s the big day. If this doesn’t calm the horny masses, I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, there’s not many masterpieces left of Jiraiya-san to appease them. This is the next best thing. (The guys in Kiri said it worked just fine for them.)
I just hoped I hired the right web maintainers.
---
[from the correspondence of Hatake Kakashi. June 16th, 3rd year]
[post-it #1] WHAT IS THIS SHIT, SENSEI?
[post-it #3] I DEMAND YOU TAKE IT OFF INMEDIATELY--HAVE YOU GONE MAD? YEARS FROM NOW, THEY’LL REMEMBER YOU AS
[post-it #4] HATAKE KAKASHI, THE PERVERTED HOKAGE. YOU WON’T EVEN GET YOUR FACE ON THAT MONUMENT! YOU DON’T EVEN DESERVE IT!
[post-it #63] And to think I respected you!
[memo # 43]
Kakashi,
Wonderful, my friend.
Shikaku
---
[from the Konoha’s Women’s Association Meeting recordings. Meeting #14, July 10th, 3rd year of the Rokudaime. Speech by: Haruno Sakura. Transcription by Kinryu Moegi]
This is an outrage! Tsunade-shishou did not rule this village the time she did, did not struggle to bring peace just to have it all blown to smithereens by some lousy, insulting porn-site! Have you seen the titles on these things? Kunoichi are not called ‘women’, no! We’re ‘sluts’, or ‘whores’, or --
No, Hinata-san, I don’t mean we we, I mean the supposed actresses in these movies. Yes, I know they’re not professional kunoichi--frankly I don’t give a damn! It’s not the content of this site that bothers me most, it’s the goddamn titles!
Now, I’ve tried to contact the Hokage about it, but he just tells me that the porn makes the shinobi more relaxed. But let me tell you, I’ve already heard talk on a mission. These men are now using expressions such as ‘tap that’ and ‘bend her like a bitch’, and that’s simply unacceptable --
Well, yes, Mitarashi-san, I know that you may not mind that sort of language, but that’s a personal matter! What we prefer or not in the bedroom is our own business. Meanwhile, these insulting titles, this male-oriented pornography is giving our male population the wrong idea! It starts with this, and it ends with female subjugation. Don’t tell me no-one’s wondered why the samurais have no women in their ranks!
Ladies, we must make a stand for this!
---
[from the observations of Higurashi Aiko, pharmacist at Konoha’s 1st Apothecary.]
Lately, business has been going down. I mean, with the whole peace and all, it’s obvious that we won’t have to deal with as many patients coming in for analgesics as before the Great War, but even so. It all started with that network thingy, I guess. No-one’s getting into fights any longer. That’s a good thing.
Now if only Haruno-san stopped buying a pack of aspirins each week. She worries me, she does.
---
[August 10th. Recovered from a box full of notes, supposedly property of Nara Shikamaru.]
Oh man, did you see Sakura-chan the other day? She was leading a whole horde of women to Kakashi’s office. Some of them had banners and all! Do you think we’re overdoing it with the website?
Maybe we shouldn’t let Kiba write the titles anymore.
By the way, do you want to go for ramen later?
---
[as told by Ayame, the ramen stand girl. August 10th.]
Well, we never thought it was going to turn that big. I mean, Sakura-chan was such a good orator, and she did make some excellent points too! Like, just the other day, my father had to throw two shinobi out of our stand because they were discussing this porn in public. Though I suppose it was more because they were ogling me. But either way, we never thought it’d go as far as this!
So, Sakura-chan gathered up all the women from the Association, and we marched straight up to the Hokage’s office -- very nicely decorated, by the way, definitely looked like a woman’s touch was there. Well, there were other people with the Hokage that day, namely that boy with the dog, what was his name--Inuzuka Kiba, right? I remember it now, because Sakura-chan and Ino-chan had been shouting his name a lot after they saw him.
Anyway, so we all burst in there, and Sakura demands that the website be taken off. Hokage-san says no, because then the men would get horny again and they didn’t have enough missions to send all those horny men on, and horny men were dangerous--and the more he said horny, the redder did Sakura-chan get. Then Kiba interrupted, and told her not to fool anyone, because everyone knew she had a stash of gay porn magazines under her bed, even if she was a prude. And then--then!--Sakura-chan pulled out her kunai, and there was fighting, and I really don’t like fighting, so I just slipped out of there.
---
[as told by the guards of Konoha Prison, sector # 22A, corridor 5. August 10th.]
We were having a nice day, you know? I mean, not much to do in the prison nowadays as a guard, since everyone’s sedated on this whole friggin’ peace that’s going around. But anyway, it was a nice day, until the ANBU corps delivered them. And by them I mean fifteen people, men and women. Hokage’s orders were to put them in a single cell and let them fight all they wanted, apparently, so that’s what we did.
Either way, we overheard some pretty nasty shit, let me tell you. The mouth on that pink haired girl, I hope she doesn’t kiss her mother with that mouth, because if I were her mother, I’d slap her silly mouth every day. Anyway, so my mate and I realized that some stuff was happening on the surface, as we like to call whatever isn’t the prison, so after the mass calmed the fuck down, we went to ask them what had happened.
The blonde chick, Yamanaka, I think, said something about how it’s all men’s fault, and being hot did so not excuse us--but I’m guessing she wasn’t talkin’ about me, since she was ogling the Inuzuka guys when she said that. Then the Hokage’s own assistant--go figure!--started to yammer about how porn was not the solution, and how the situation was not desperate enough for the leader of our own village to encourage rude and offensive terms to be used in reference to women. I didn’t get half of the other shit she said, so I asked the Inuzuka guy.
Apparently, the guys on the surface can’t score chicks, and they get so horny they fight with each other. I tell you, this’d never happen down here--you’ve no idea how girls swoon over a prison guard, heheh. Anyway, the Hokage apparently decided that the only way to offer everyone porn. I guess we haven’t been missing much at all.
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[from the personal log of Hatake Kakashi, Rokudaime Hokage]
August 14th, 3rd year
Four days in jail seem to have calmed Sakura a bit. She’s not giving me as much paperwork as before. I knew I’d find a way to fix that. Who knew erotica would prove to be the perfect scape-goat?
I have to pat myself on the back for all this. Definitely the best strategy ever. Also, my theories are confirmed. It’s in a shinobi’s nature to be a horny idiot. With porn, or without it.
HK.
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The conclusion of this revolt is unclear to all of us. Rumours have it that the alleged ‘porn-site’ went through a series of new moderators, from men to women, until the Hokage decided to have it closed down because it was distracting shinobi from their real work and missions. This triggered a new revolution, pro ‘freedom of speech’, but we shall not detail it in this document.
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[section of a journal recovered after the Great Fire of the 4th Year of the 7th Hokage.]
--honestly, I just think everyone missed Jiraiya-san’s porn.
END